Monday, February 16, 2009

C'est la vie...

Well, results are in.

The DNA test that I was so damn sure was going to be a match - came back negative..........

It's strange, you know, every other DNA test with possible fathers and siblings I found myself grieving almost immediately upon receiving the results, even though the similarities were just not there.  It was as if I knew I needed such a miracle that I spent so much time ruminating on all the possibilities that my heart got completely and utterly broken by the end.  

One DNA test in particular while I was waiting for the results I started getting cold feet and almost was wishing for it to be negative because I had had negative results before, I knew the drill.  I knew what to expect and how I would feel and that I would eventually get over it and get on with my life.  But if it had been positive, oh god...the reprecussions I cannot even imagine.  I had no set routine for a positive result.  It was seriously outside my comfort zone, as much as I want to find him, maybe I was not ready.  My family already disagreed with my searching, so how would they have taken me finding my biological father?!  But also, how would I feel?  I mean, in a way it's scary - so many things could happen to ruin the fantasy in your head about your father, and the truth can sometimes hurt.  

However, once the negative result came back and he called me to tell me, I heard him crying...yes, a grown man of 45 years old was crying because he so desperately wanted to find his offspring and so desperately wanted me to be his daughter, and it did not happen.  I then realized just how much I had lost and I broke down.  I cried because I felt that it was my wishing for a negative test that karma somehow kicked me in the ass.  I cried because once again that dream was ripped out of my hands at the last second.  I cried because I realized that I may never find him, and I cried because if I ever do he may never care for me and want me in his life as much as this man obviously did.  

So after the supposed fanfare of this past test, I feel strangely okay.  It feels surreal, like I had in my head that she was my sister and this test was only going to confirm what we already knew, and that the news is a faraway fleeting thought that is not reality.  I don't even think I've truly grieved, other than getting slightly choked up when I called her to tell her the results.

Strangely enough, my hurt is not that it came back negative but rather than she is no farther along in her search than she was before (still no donor number and no other resources left) and I had to put her through yet another emotional roller coaster ride.  

It was not OUR decision, as you might assume, but rather MY selfish decision.  After being contacted by Identigene about writing for their new blog, I told them about her and I and all the struggles we've been through and that we couldn't afford the test, and I asked them if there was any way that they would be able to do a DNA test for us pro-bono.  I never in a million years expected anything, but it turned out that they were thrilled to try and help us out!  I was elated, but the problem was, I did all of this without contacting her because I wanted it.  I never took into account all that she had already been through with her search this past year, and if she even wanted to do a DNA test!  So when I told her she was excited, but now I wonder how much of it was fear, fear for her own emotions.

So I feel guilty for dragging her into this without her complete consent, so if you're reading this, I'm sooo sorry.  

I'm also guilty that I even went to Identigene asking for such a lofty gift.  I NEVER would have asked for it if I hadn't been 99.9% positive that we were sisters!!  My gut instinct told me that she was, and call me impulsive, call me delusional, call me whatever you want, but I never expected a negative result.  So I'm sorry to Identigene, and especially to LJ and Kate because they were so supportive and were so hopeful for a match, and I feel like I let them all down.

So have I grieved or not?  To me, at least from my experience, I need to let it go by crying, spilling tears helps me wash away the experience and help me get on with it.  I haven't done that.  I've sat in this emotional purgatory for the past week with the knowledge in front of me but no emotional attachments behind it.  

Is it my guilt that is denying me the ability to grieve the results?  Is it because I/we were not fully prepared for the test, is that why I can't accept the consequences?  Whatever the case, I feel like a ghost of my self, going through my days but not really living.


Anonymous said...

There is no need to apologize. We were more than happy to provide you with the test and were glad that we could help out, even if the results didn't turn out the way we wanted. It may not have gone the way we all hoped, but at least we made a few new friends along the way.

damianhadams said...

Wow, Lindsay.
Don't know what to say.
My thoughts are with you and everyone involved.

Unknown said...

I echo LJ's sentiments here. It was our intent to provide a DNA Test that you may have waited years for, if you had done it at all. I have worked with many customers in similar situations, and I am just grateful you have an answer and can move on from here.

I look forward to keeping tabs on your story, and I wish you the best in your future endeavors.

DI_Dad said...

Sorry to hear that it was not a match.

I was reading this post and your prior post about wishing your bio-dad a happy birthday and realized I am only three years younger than he is. Different sides of the coin. I know of no sperm bank where I went to school in upstate NY but I now wonder if any of my college friends donated to a small local clinic. Wierd thought.