Anonymous Father's Day: A Must See

On Sunday, January 29th at 7pm, several dozen donor-conceived adults, loved ones, journalists, students, adoptees, and even a former donor, packed the modest quarters of the SoHo Digital Arts Gallery in New York City, mingling together for an evening of stories, education, and awareness on the infertility industry's dirty little secret...that babies conceived through anonymous sperm donors grow up, and many are angry, very angry, that their biological father is as much of a mystery to them as the whereabouts of Amelia Earhart.  And they are going to astounding lengths to locate their biological fathers and change a system meant to protect the financial interests of a multi-billion dollar industry at the expense of everyone involved - the donors, the parents, and of course, the offspring.

After hors d'oeuvres, wine and mingling with some of the cast and crew, attendees made their way downstairs to the showing, with nearly every seat filled and several guests standing in the back of the room.

Anonymous Father's Day was produced by Jennifer Lahl and Matthew Eppinette.  According to Lahl, rather than marching on Capital Hill, the best way to make the point and to instigate change was to let the offspring speak for themselves, let their stories speak for themselves.

The film features the narrative interviews of three donor-conceived adults:

• Alana Stewart, founder of the website Anonymous Us.
• Stephanie Blessing, Family Scholars blogger and author of My Father's Daughter.
• Barry Stevens, British-Canadian filmmaker and producer of Offspring and Bio-Dad.

It also features interviews with several pundits in the donor conception world:

• Elizabeth Marquardt, Director of the Center for Marriage and Families at the Institute of American Values (Family Scholars) and the leading author of the breakthrough study My Daddy's Name Is Donor.
• Diane Allen, Canadian mother of a son conceived through IVF and founder of the Infertility Network.

There were also cameo appearances from several other donor-conceived adults:

• Olivia Pratten, Canadian journalist, and plaintiff in the current lawsuit which halted the destruction of medical records related to donor conception and is attempting to dissolve anonymous gamete donations in British Columbia [Pratten vs British Columbia (A.G) and College of Physicians will be heard in the BC Court of Appeals in Vancouver on February 14-15] .
• Kathleen LaBounty, a Houston native who sent over 600 letters to Baylor College of Medicine grads and went through 16 DNA tests with former donors trying to identify her biological father, she blogs her story at Child of a Stranger.
• Damian Adams, Australian donor-conceived adult and author of the blog Donated Generation.
• And me!!  Yes, Cryokid and I had four appearances and mentions in the film....including one notable story relayed by Alana S, regarding a very nasty comment posted here on this blog several months ago.

Alana, Lindsay, Olivia, Jennifer, Karen, Stephanie, Kathleen

Overall I felt the film was fantastic, and I feel that anyone contemplating donating sperm (or eggs) or using a donor should watch this film and understand how WRONG anonymity is, for everyone involved.

I think that potential donors need to understand not only what they are doing and "man-up" to their responsibilities or at least being known to the children they create and provide updated medical history to their offspring, but also the much needed sense of identity that many donor-conceived adults find missing.

But more as in inference, the fact that these potential donors need to understand that their abilities in the future to remain anonymous are dwindling by the minute.  As DNA databases like FTDNA and 23andMe grow and connect genetic relatives, as social networking sites like Facebook provide more and more personal information...the actual concept of anonymity is quickly diminishing.  Sometimes all it takes is a donor profile with some non-identifying information and some ingenuity and research skills.

My only concern with the film, and it is only because I already have heard the concerns/complaints, is that the stories were all very one-sided.  Nearly every interview came to the same conclusion.  That anonymity is unethical, inhumane, and inherently wrong and must be ended.  And while I agree with this statement wholeheartedly, I also see this as a point that can be used against those of us who are trying to legislate against this practice.

Yet, many nay-sayers will claim that everyone involved in the film is opposed to entire practice of donor conception.  But even in the film Alana S states that she thinks that the ideal system is one like Sweden, where there is a central registry and all donor-conceived children can make contact with their biological father when they come of age if they wish, and they can also make contact with all of their half-siblings.  There is also a strict limit on the number of children any donor can create, and medical histories must be routinely updated even after they finish their donating.

This was a philosophy that was echoed after the premier, during a Q&A session featuring myself, Alana, Stephanie, Kathleen, and Olivia.  When asked if we were given a magic wand and could make the system however we wanted, every single one of us had the same answer.

Our idealistic wish would be that sperm and egg donation would be eliminated entirely.  But we all acknowledged that this is never going to happen.

So our realistic wish would be change that will make the system more child-centric and foster positive development, identities, and health for children and adults created through assisted reproductive technologies.  We were all pretty much in agreement that a system like Sweden has in place would be the most beneficial in addressing the concerns related to identity, health, and family.

Dinner Reception with cast and crew at The Smith

And while I didn't want to get into this during my review post, I will update soon on the entire AFD premier weekend's festivities and get-togethers in the city!!

PRESS RELEASE: The Anonymous Us Project goes live today

Announcing "The Anonymous Us Project", First Ever Story-Collective for People Involved in Reproductive Technologies


"Not all the kids are doing all right," says Alana S., founder and curator of AnonymousUs.org, "Anonymous Us is a place for all participants in the fertility industry to share their own truths in a way that retains dignity and privacy for our loved ones, while also sharing valuable perspectives and life experiences."


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January 11, 2011 - New York, NY – AnonymousUs.org is a newly launched website that invites anyone and everyone involved in reproductive technologies, but especially persons born via these practices, to write about their experiences and opinions- anonymously.


In the US, it is estimated that every year 30,000-60,000 children are born through the use of sperm donation. While the fertility industry makes $3.3 billion annually, little is known about the experiences of these children and what kind of adults they grow up to be.


The Anonymous Us project aims to be a safety zone for real and honest opinions about reproductive technologies and family fragmentation. The mission of Anonymous Us is "to share the experiences of voluntary and involuntary participants in these technologies, while preserving the dignity and privacy of the story-tellers and their loved ones."


Alana S., a 24-year-old woman from San Francisco, herself donor-conceived, founded the site as a "tool for better decision-making so that parents and policy-makers aren't relying solely on biased endorsements from clinics and vendors." Alana recognizes that many donor-conceived adults may wish to improve practices and policies, but fear publicity or conflicts of loyalty with their families. They may have ugly family secrets. "Many of us want to speak about our pain, but we don't want our faces on camera or to hurt our parents."


If you are donor-conceived, a former or current sperm or egg donor, a surrogate, parent, adoptee, fertility industry professional, or just someone invested and involved in these practices, you are welcome to submit a story or share your opinion at http://www.AnonymousUs.org. Select stories are read aloud on the free podcast: http://AnonymousUs.org/podcasts.




About The Anonymous Us Project & Alana S.:
The Anonymous Us Project was founded by Alana S., a writer and musician from San Francisco concerned with gender and family issues. She co-wrote the upcoming feature-length film Adam & Eva with filmmaker Michael Galinsky of Rumur Productions, a story about a girl who sells her own eggs to investigate her ancestry and the identity of her sperm donor father. Alana S. currently lives in Brooklyn, NY.


Contact:
Alana S., Founder, The Anonymous Us Project
408-406-6998
AnonymousUsProject@gmail.com

Misconceived Conceptions

Lately a hot topic among many of us adult offspring has been the "misconceptions" of donor conception.  Much of this discussion is stemming from the fact that donor conception has recently made it's debut into mainstream society.  In the 20th century donor conception was taboo.  It was not discussed, it was considered "bedroom talk", and the private business of the parents who sought these procedures.  They were told by their doctors never to tell their family, their friends, and most importantly, their child.

Today, there is still some sense that it is a taboo subject, but more and more it is becoming a topic of sitcoms, drama, movies, talk shows, and discussion.  The sheer fact that in 2010 there were three blockbuster films released that all had a central focus on donor conception speaks volumes to how it has entered into the collective mainstream.

However, in all of these instances they are portraying donor conception and donor offspring in a way that is not accurate and feeds into the stereotypes that we are constantly battling from the DC community, the infertility industry, and society.

Stephanie Blessing wrote a fantastic post on the FamilyScholars blog last month, "Misconceived: Misconceptions About Donor Conception".  She lays out 11 misconceptions that people assume about donor conception and/or donor offspring, most of which stem from the views and opinions of what recipient parents assume that we should feel.

And while I think we need to address and attempt to reform the opinions of those recipient parents and individuals trying to conceive or thinking of using a donor, ultimately it is not these persons who are our biggest hurdle.  I've come to the conclusion over the many years that I have been involved in the donor conception community and been a forerunner in advocacy for donor conception issues in the US, that we may be able to enlighten a small handful of recipient parents and those thinking of using a donor, but the majority will only try to hurt us, to silence us, to disarm us from our mission by any means necessary.  All it takes is a few minutes of reading some of the Yahoo Groups where DI mommies congregate.  Look where an adult offspring has made a comment or stated their personal opinion, and watch the nasty claws come out from the mommies.  It's like being surrounded by a herd of werewolves and a full-moon comes out......

I DO get emails from women in the process of trying to get pregnant or weighing their options, seeking my advice for their situation.  Most of these women have some sort of "sob-story" they tell me, often TMI, that they believe gives them a valid reason to use a donor.  Some have done their research and are attempting to see past the initial "baby" phase and try to acknowledge what their child may or may not feel in the future, and most of these women are the ones looking towards ID-release or some form of open donation.  Others are unsure what they want and are coming to me for advice, but in most cases I think these women want some reason to discredit me and my views so they can continue on their journey, use an anonymous donor, and not feel any guilt later on.

Yet, the main thing is, these women are all so deeply entrenched in their own emotions, fears, and loss to do anything for the greater good of the offspring.  Even if they do chose to use an ID-release donor, that will be the end of it for 99% of them.  These will not be women who will be stepping out of their comfort zones and publicly decrying anonymity, nor will they be the women who stand along side us fighting for our rights.  To them, simply creating their own child with in their eyes a "more humane" method (because apparently that's what were advocating???) of donor conception is enough.

But it's not.  And it won't be until we can successfully gain enough support among ourselves to fight on our own.

What we really need is to gain the support of society...something we fail to do in most cases.  Yes, we do get occasional media airtime.  Yes, sometimes our opinions on such deep issues are confronted.  But in most cases they are lost in a sea of sob stories and happy endings.  There are two types of donor conception articles published/broadcast.

1) the sob story: the story of the offspring who has spent a decade searching for their biological father to no avail, the story of the offspring seeking a change in legislation because they feel it is unethical for records to be destroyed, the story of the offspring who just wants more answers about who they are.  These are the stories that people disregard, call us ungrateful, and make fun of our situation with derogatory and demeaning humor because they are idiots who do not know any better and cannot grasp a deep issue within their shallow ignorant minds.

2) the happy ending: the stories that end up on the TODAY show or GMA about two (or more) siblings finding one another or finding their donor, and often the reunion is broadcast right then and there so all that is seen is the initial happiness, nobody focuses on the difficulties associated with finding your kin in adulthood (b/c honestly, most of the reunions in donor conception occur with small children through mid-teens).  These are the stories that give the general public the allusion that any donor-conceived child who wants to find a sibling or their donor can and will and all it costs is $50/year to join the DSR and VOILA a sibling will appear!!!

Okay, so maybe I'm a bit bitter, but this is the reality of it all.  These are the two types of stories, and both of these stories portray a very harmful and wrong depiction of what donor conception is and how it affects the offspring.

Therefore, it is not the DI mommies or the infertility industry we need to focus on to make change.  These two groups of people will fight against us until the very end, viciously.  We already know they are the inherent enemy of human rights and dignities of donor conceived offspring.  They do not want to hear what we say, they do not want us to air our "dirty laundry" because it makes them look bad.  They want to continue to live in their deluded worlds where everybody is happy and vocal adult offspring do not exist.

We need to focus on society at large.  Which means, in order to convert the minds of the ignorant masses, we must change the way we are portrayed to them.  Alana Stewart's AnonymousUs Project might accomplish just that.  When a single offspring speaks out to the public it is easy to disregard and discredit us, insulting us and chiding us for our views.  When a hundred offspring speak out it is much harder to ignore.

If we can begin to change the way society views us and our plight, we may begin to be a force to be reckoned with.  Just as adoptees have changed their image and society is beginning to understand and accept their need to know their birth parents, I hope that society will begin to learn to see the parallels between adoption and donor conception and see that our need to know our biological kin is just as great and just as necessary.

The biggest hurdle is the fact that we are the underdog.  Lets face it, it's been estimated that 20% of Americans today experience some form of infertility ( I do not know if this number includes those who are socially infertile or not).  This means that most adults today know someone who is or has struggled with infertility.  Whether it is a sibling, a child, a best friend, a colleague, or simply a "friend of a friend".  These connections to those on the other side of the scale hurt us.  Most adults have never met an adult donor-conceived person before.  Many donor-conceived adults have never met another donor-conceived person before!!

The odds are against us, because it's obvious that if someone has a friend or relative who struggled with infertility, that is going to be their first impression.  And, the fact that most people "see" donor-conceived offspring as small children and not adults, it's much easier to feel empathy for adults struggling with infertility.  It is something that most adults can comprehend.  The losses associated with donor conception are not.

The biggest misconception of donor conception, therefore, is that we are not simply a cure for infertility. We are human beings with our own minds, our own opinions, our own feelings, and our own losses.  And this is the misconception that needs to be overcome before anything else is going to change.

AnonymousUS Project

Introduction from Anonymous Us on Vimeo.


ABOUT:
The Anonymous Us Project is a safety zone for real and honest opinions about reproductive technologies and family fragmentation. We aim to share the experiences of voluntary and involuntary participants in these technologies, while preserving the dignity and privacy for story-tellers and their loved ones.

The idea was inspired by PostSecret.com, a Maryland based art project that allows anyone, anywhere to create a postcard with a secret written on it, and mail it in anonymously for publication. Members of the donor community have some serious stories and opinions regarding their family structure that they'd like to add to the discussion, but feel they cannot because of shame and a need for privacy. This project gives them an opportunity to be heard without having to reveal their identity and potentially hurt their loved ones. And it kind of turns the concept of anonymity inside out.

We hope that The Anonymous Us Project will fill out the conversation on reproductive technologies.

We hope it will inspire more truth and transparency.

We hope it will help shape healthier families and happier people.



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Open letter from creator, Alana Stewart:
Dear Donor-Conceived Persons, Adoptees, Donors, Parents, and Fertility Industry Professionals,

I am writing to tell you about and seek your participation in a story collective endeavor called "The Anonymous Us Project". This is an opportunity for everyone involved in reproductive technologies to tell the world what they really think about donor conception: the good, the bad, and the ugly – all in the atmosphere of, you guessed it, anonymity.

I, Alana Stewart, Founder of The Anonymous Us Project and self-proclaimed Donor Kid, viscerally understand the potential conflict of vocalizing relevant truths concerning donor conception. There are loved ones we risk offending, family well-being we risk upsetting and maybe livelihoods we risk sabotaging if the whole truth were to be told concerning donor conception and parent-child separation. The Anonymous Us Project wishes for all parties the opportunity to tell their stories without fear.

In the upcoming weeks we need to collect stories and build content in preparation for press outreach and the launch of AnonymousUs.org [NOTE: This is the *future* website that will be launched in a few weeks....not the project to submit stories to]. Our website is still being built, but the submit form is ready to go. You do not have to – and in fact you cannot – provide your name when you submit your story. When you're done writing and have successfully submitted your story, you will receive a confirmation number you may use to contact us about your story and remove the story should you wish to. We are looking for submissions of 750 words or less. Please feel free to write anything you'd like relating to donor conception, surrogacy and adoption. Feel free to make multiple submissions on relevant, but different ideas. Stories will be selected to be read aloud on the Anonymous Us podcast, which anyone will be able to subscribe to for free through iTunes or an RSS feed.


Send us your essays and thoughts:

Submit a Story


Help us grow this project.

We can't judge the health of these practices without understanding the journey of the affected.

Thank you everyone for your involvement and contributions.