Sunday, November 30, 2008

Shhh.....it's a Secret

My friend Kelly brought my attention to this Post Secret from today...


I don't know who sent this in, but whoever you are - thank you, thank you for being so painfully honest to speak the truth.   I don't agree completely with this individual -- I am not envious of adoptees, but the rationale nonetheless, is powerful.  We were commodified long before we were conceived (unlike adoptees), and the perception that we were so "loved" and "wanted" does not make up for our loss.  

To know that our biological fathers were handed $40 after jacking off and left to buy beer or textbooks without a second thought of the children they are so carelessly creating is horrifying.  I know not all donors have this frame of mind, but many do, and the ones who so foolishly believe that they are "helping" people have become just as brainwashed as the rest of society who only sees one side of the story...that the pain of infertility is superior to the pain of the loss of one's biological family.    

This is not totally their fault.  Most of the donors are young and naive, and are never exposed to our side of the story.  They are never told that they are creating children that they will never be able to meet.  Their sperm is medicinalized and its true purpose is skewed with words like "helping people" --- not once does the infertility industry say that these donors are creating THEIR OWN BIOLOGICAL CHILDREN!!  And that those children will be equally like the children that they may later father in a committed relationship, and that those children will be forever missing siblings.  

The problem is, most everyone can relate to infertility.  The majority of the population either knows someone who is infertile, or has suffered from infertility personally.  On the other hand, the majority of the population has NEVER met anyone donor-conceived, and most people do not want to admit that there are adults who are donor-conceived.  It is much easier to see them as cute little babies, rather than angry adults.  This leads to an unbalanced number of people that only want to see one side of the story, because the other side conflicts with what they previously have been exposed to.  When they hear donor-conceived adults speaking out, they want to put us in a box and continue to argue that we are troubled and that what we are demanding is wrong because we should be grateful and we are so loved and wanted, etc etc.  

All it takes is sympathy and understanding people!!  Even if you're not infertile, you can sympathize with the infertile...so why can't you sympathize with us?!?  What is so absolutely reprehensible about our feelings that you must degrade us and insult us??  Why are we continued to be treated as second-class citizens --- first we are denied any knowledge of half of our identity, and then after that we are spit in the face by society for saying that we want it back!!


ADDENDUM: An interesting conversation is going on right now on the Post Secret forums about this secret.  Many donor-conceived individuals are coming out of the woodwork with a variety of different viewpoints.

3 comments:

Ryan said...

Lindsay, I followed a link to your blog from Eric Schwartzman's "DI Dad" blog.

I'm Ryan, 29, donor conceived from sperm way back in '79. I've "known" for all of my life (only fully understood when I was 8 or so) and did a short search for my donor a few years ago... got completely stonewalled by the doctor, too.

I just thought I'd introduce myself.

I'm kind of the other end of the spectrum in my views toward donor-conception, though. (At least as regards the linked postcard.) I enjoy it, I revel in it. As I told my parents one time, they can't say they never wanted me, because I have receipts to prove what they went through to get me. The donor thing, meh, he's been paid. If he bought booze, that's his deal. I got what I needed from him...

Anyway, salutations, nice to meet you. I'll crawl back to my hole now.

Anonymous said...

Ryan....I followed the link from the DI Dad blog as well. I have an 11 yr old DI daughter. I have learned that there is such a wide range of feelings, understanding and acceptance in the DI community. My daughter has also known all her life and I think that has helped. I am just trying to follow my heart and her lead and hope for the best. She wants information...but most days she is busy dancing and playing softball...so when she is really ready I hope I am armed properly to help her. Good post...so glad to hear that DI kids can grow up to be happy and content....

Panic Away said...

That posted image say a statement that is quite true and may be very painful for a child to realize. People nowadays are quite frank about their feelings. The note shows the sadness.