Two years later.....rejection

Exactly two years ago today I found my donor number and was given a meager amount of information from Xytex about my biological father found in his application form. It was not much, but it was more than I had. And I was finally for the first time able to really grasp more of my own identity and search more effectively for my own family.

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As I sit here writing, listening to the ferocious snowy wind outside my window and staring into the winter wonderland which has blanketed two feet of snow over Northeast Ohio....my mind drifts.

When I arrived in the DC community in the spring of 2003 I was angry, hurt, and had nothing to go on. Since then I've tamed my temper (you think I get pissed now, you must not have been on the DSR 7 years ago, when I was an alone and frustrated 18 year old trying to cope!!), and gotten some non-identifying information, and even found a half-sibling!!

I look back over these past 7 years and marvel at how the donor conception community, my own life, and my self-worth have changed and improved.

But let me take you back for a second, as many of my readers were not active back then, I must set the scene to fully explain how it all has changed. The year was 2003, and while it doesn't seem long ago, in the timeline of the donor conception community this was the dark ages. Prior to the year 2000, donor conception was unheard of and was only something that was whispered about in doctor's offices across the globe. Even children (such as myself) who were brought up always knowing they were donor conceived were quiet. There were a handful of adoptees starting in the mid-to-late 1980s trying to advocate for changes, demonstrating the similarities between adoptees and donor conceived persons, but they were disregarded. Wendy and Ryan Kramer created the Donor Sibling Registry in 2000, a virtually unknown Yahoo group/listserv that hoped to connect siblings conceived from the same donor. In May 2003 the DSR was on the Oprah Show, and the donor conception community began to emerge.

It was in the mere hours after the first airing of the DSR on the Oprah Show that I discovered the donor conception community, and realized, mainly, that I was not the ONLY one conceived this way!!! Slowly the belief that I was a freak of nature and should be ashamed of my conception began to lift. I got to know quite a few other offspring through PCVAI and later adoptees, parents, and former donors through TangledWebs, and in 2005 actually had the opportunity to meet many of them while studying abroad in Melbourne!! It was the first time that I knowingly stood face-to-face with another donor conceived person. It took years to fully come to terms with my conception and my identity, and it really is a never-ending process. I still suffer a great loss, and that will never cease, but I now understand that I can (and will) survive. I have a great network of offspring, parents, and donors, that remind me everyday that I am an advocate for change and that has become my mission and passion in life.

The early days/years of the donor conception community was a harsh place, filled with an over-proportionate number of single mothers by choice (SMCs) and lesbians, who were the majority of parents disclosing the method of conception to their children (out of necessity) -- this is still the prevailing status today, but more and more heterosexual couples/divorcees, donors, and adult offspring are also now vocal. These women were typically between 30 and 35 years old and had 1-2 donor conceived children under the age of 3. Back then the DC community was not about the donor children, but rather a pre-social networking era way for DC-mommies to meet and make friends. With that being said, the majority had never met a donor conceived adult, and believed that the thought process of a three-year-old was developmentally equivalent of a 23-year-old.....basically, that because their 3-year-old was perfectly content with being told their biological father is a frozen vial of sperm, adult offspring should also feel that way!!

They were appalled with what myself and a handful of other adult offspring (such as Joanna Rose, Myfanwy Walker, and Narelle Grech to name a few) were saying. Not only did they verbally abuse us, but threatened our own lives because they disagreed with what we had to say. These Yahoo groups became a dangerous place for a donor conceived offspring to speak. I would get private messages sent to my email telling me I was "satanic" and "evil" among other things. The favorite response was that I was an ungrateful little brat for wanting to know my biological father, and for being angry at being denied such a human right.

Sooo....let's flash forward to today. I still avoid those Yahoo groups, I was too emotionally scarred to ever go back there, so I do not know how good or bad it is or isn't, but from what I get from the few brave DC offspring that do enter those realms is that the opinions towards us have improved slightly, as more and more parents and those TTC are seeing the errors with the era of secrecy and anonymity, but that the prevailing attitude is that we should be grateful, and the favored offspring view is the "unharmed" offspring --- i.e. one that does not care to know his or her biological parent. Parents and former donors that argue openly that donor conception can cause damage to the offspring are silenced (heavily moderated and/or banned).

This is a new move since most of us offspring voicing those views were banned years ago!!

One good thing is simply that the media has finally began to get our voices heard. And with the advent of social networking and the blogosphere these few media outlets are multiplied and published across the web and across the world. More and more donors are coming out of the woodwork, and wanting to learn about the children they created. More offspring are learning of their conception, and the kids brought up always knowing are coming of age and entering the community searching for their lost family. And what I see as one of the most positive moves in the last couple years is the increase in blogs like mine (and the others in the left column) being read, referenced, quoted, and hyperlinked.

As I said before advocating for changes in legislation here in the US for banning anonymous paid donors, as well as enlightening the general population and those involved in the infertility industry and donor conception/ART community about the consequences of assisted reproduction, has become one of my central focuses. It's a two-fer. I am able to provide my opinion and a be a resource for those looking for information. I am also able to use this as my own form of therapy. I did the whole therapy thing, and after learning that my therapist had recently adopted a baby from Guatemala, I fired her, realizing that she was not counseling me but rather trying to twist my thinking to support her own decisions. It was not until after going to Australia did I realize I was not "depressed" but rather "repressed" by my family. They did not (and still not) acknowledge my views and speaking out louder was the only cure. Being a part of the few DC organizations I am involved with and blogging are my therapy and a way to vent and educate all at the same time.

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So after that random tangent, back to my initial post topic. Two years ago today I got my donor number. I learned that my biological father was Xytex Donor #2035. He was born February 12, 1961 (ironically his birthday was 2 days after I learned of him). He had brown hair, green eyes (alas, the answer to my uniquely colored eyes that don't match anyone else in my family!!), was 6 foot tall, and had B+ blood type. He graduated from college in 1983, and donated until 1989!! He had a sister four years younger than him.

With this I was able to really search, and able to quickly ignore certain potential siblings based on donor number. I also was able to provide a donor number and information to my half-sister, whose information was destroyed by her mother's OBGYN's office a year ago.

The latest news is that her mother had contacted Xytex and asked if it was possible, if donor 2035 would be responsive, to sending him a letter requesting updated medical history. She also asked Xytex to see if he would be receptive to possible correspondence between him and us. This was shortly after the DNA test confirmed us as siblings, mid-November. Xytex agreed and sent him a certified letter. No word from him for two months and then out of the blue this month Xytex contacted her saying that he returned the medical history update but nothing more. No note, no comment about the children created from his donations.

On one hand I am grateful to have updated medical history. It's important for me to know that my paternal grandfather was diagnosed with melanoma at age 50 (but has been cancer-free for 20 years), and suffered a heart attack and mild stroke at age 65. He has a son that has suffered from allergies since birth. That means I have a brother...... It also means I probably inherited my severe seasonal/indoor/outdoor allergies from my father.

All these things are great to know, but in the same breath this response provides another more subtle answer. Rejection. He knows that me and my half-sister exist. He knows that we are looking for him. Yet he is not even curious. Is he too caught up with work and his family and life to want to know of the daughters he created 25 years ago? Has he even told his wife about his donations, about us? Is he sitting at home right now wondering how to tell her, should he tell her? Or did he respond to the letter without emotion, without even a quiver of doubt that anonymity is best?

The four stages of the donor conceived person

I often get comments from parents that my views are "extreme" and that most donor conceived individuals do not feel the way I do about our conception.  While I agree that there is a huge spectrum of attitudes, ranging from very good to very bad, I would not call my opinion extreme, but rather enlightened and free of guilt and manipulation.

One thing I have not talked a lot about is how these attitudes change over the course of ones life.  Most young DC children will tell you they are happily content with who they are, and show little regard for their donor.  For some individuals this continues on for decades - for others it changes early on - and for yet another group (presumably) it never changes.  

As I have mentioned many times, I have known all my life that I was donor conceived, and early on it didn't phase me much...not really understanding the concept, or realizing what a father really was (my mom was single), I lived in happy ignorant bliss.  After my mother married and I suddenly had  a "dad", I began questioning the fact that I was denied the ability to know my real father.

My "dad" legally adopting me was the spark that ignited the confusion, anger, and loss associated with being donor conceived.  It took several more years, and finally interactions with other donor conceived adults to understand that I was not alone in my feelings.

For others it's being in a committed relationship or getting married, for some it's after the birth of their first child, for others its the death of a parent, often its after their parents divorce...in each of these cases there is a turning point.

The idea of existential debt is often the primary reason that offspring are hesitant or even aggressive towards the position that myself and many others take to our conception.  This need to be grateful for our lives is in direct conflict with the losses involved in donor conception, and they cannot be felt simultaneously.  These offspring, while they may seem "well-adjusted" to most parents (who believe that their lack of interest is good), simply have not been able to distinguish this vital aspect of their livelihood and separate their loss and their identity from their parents infertility and pain and need for a child.

During recent discussion with Damian Adams, he brought up a four stage process of donor conception comprehension.  He permitted me to post his comments here.  

To understand the following we probably have to see that there were many stages that I have been through (probably about 4).  Those being:

1. A naive child

2. Mild curiosity - wanting some non-identifying information, but happy with DC

3. Increased curiosity - wanting identifying information, the first stages of mild loss (repressed), but still grateful to be alive

4. Acknowledgment of loss and the profound effects that it has

1. I used to be proud about being DC.  I was grateful, because otherwise I wouldn't have existed.  Even though I would have liked to have had some non-identifying information, it did not affect me greatly.  Perhaps I was preventing myself from feeling loss about that - I don't know (a self-defence mechanism perhaps).  I had my dad who to me at the time was my "father".

2. There was no sense of loss otherwise there would have been no way I would have even contemplated donating myself which I was pretty close to doing.  By being happy with my mode of conception (proud and grateful), there is no way that that position could coexist with a sense of loss.  

3. For a period of time when I wanted to find out non-identifying info and also identifying info (prior to the birth of -------), I had to accept that I would not even find out that info as a consequence of being alive.  So while there may have been some mild loss at that stage it was repressed because I still had to feel gratitude to the procedure that created me.  

4. It was only when I realized the true nature of my loss could I see that I did not have to be grateful and happy about being DC, and that in-fact that the losses forcibly imposed on me should be treated with contempt and anger.  

I think some people may have another stages between 3 and 4 above, but for me it was a monumental leap from mild loss that was repressed to full blow loss and anguish.

Cliches follow:

But for me and I think that it would have to apply to most others is that if you feel grateful and therefore happy that you parents who wanted you so much were given this wonderful gift by a truly altruistic man, then how can you feel loss.  

To feel any kind of loss is an acknowledgement that something is wrong with the process and that the process has caused some form of harm which does not coincide with the cliche above.  Any form of loss is a form of suffering, suffering is not the goal of altruism.

Waiting on the World to Change

Now we see everything that's going wrong

With the world and those who lead it

We just feel like we don't have the means

To rise above and beat it

It's hard to beat the system

When we're standing at a distance

So we keep waiting

Waiting on the world to change

It's not that we don't care,

We just know that the fight ain't fair

So we keep on waiting

Waiting on the world to change

One day our generation

Is gonna rule the population

So we keep on waiting

Waiting on the world to change

~John Mayer

I felt "Waiting on the World to Change" was an appropriate start to what I like to see as a historic moment for donor conceived people on this side of the Atlantic.

First and foremost, congratulations to Olivia Pratten for taking on the British Columbia Supreme Court in what will [hopefully] set a legal precedent for the rest of Canada and possibly even the US!!  I had the opportunity to meet this amazing young woman in 2005 while at the Infertility Network's Donor Conception Symposium in Toronto.  There were a handful of us offspring present at the conference - Joanna Rose, Becca Hamilton, myself, Olivia, and several others.  In the middle of the conference Olivia gave an impromptu speech from the audience...as a former "poster-child" she stood up and told the entire conference, for the first time ever, that she disagreed with donor conception, and that she felt it was her right to know her biological father and that no one has the right to deny someone that.  I don't think there was a dry eye in the house (at least for those of us offspring present, who understood just how hard that was).  To see her then and be proud of her for being so frank and heart-felt, and to see her now taking on the government - I am SOOOO unbelievably proud of her!!!

Secondly, this week an interesting conversation has ensued on PCVAI.  We offspring in the US are finally realizing that our futures should not be dependent on the hands of the DI mothers who put us in this situation, with their registries that do little for older offspring without donor numbers or information.  A registry is only as good as it's database (as is CaBRI), and these registries are not targeting the people that we, as adult offspring, need to target.  Donors aren't stay-at-home moms that spend their days watching Oprah and morning syndicated talk shows, so they're not going to hear about these registries.  Local papers may attract some people, but again, they're not targeting the right people.  What we, as adult offspring need, is a better way to target and advertise the registries to the people who were past donors.  Our idea is to write a story and ask Alumni magazines of colleges and universities (which have/are affiliated with or recruit donors for major sperm banks and clinics) to publish the story in their quarterly/monthly magazine for past donors to see.  It is our duty to stand up and start fighting for attention, rather than sit back and wait for our donors to accidentally stumble across the registries themselves.  

Well, I was going to write more here, but being that it's midnight I think I will retire for the evening.  I will keep updates posted about both Olivia's court hearing and PCVAI's alumni magazine advertising.

Why do you build me up, buttercup baby, just to let me down??

Last week I was contacted out of the blue by a producer of a national morning show wanting me to come on the show.  My initial reaction was “oh my god!!” because I realized that going on national TV might be the only way I could draw attention to siblings and possibly my biological father.  But then I realized that I would have a heck of a lot of explaining to do to my parents, who already disagreed with the several instances I was featured in the media for my search, but I figured I was going to do it because it was a once in a lifetime chance.  So the producer called me later that evening and in the middle of discussing my story she asked if I had a close relationship with my donor……….shit!!!!

Apparently she was under the impression that I had already found the donor, and that’s what she wanted the show to be about.  So when she realized I still hadn’t found anyone she started changing the subject, asking me if I knew of any offspring and donors who would go on the show, etc.  I was quite disheartened to say the least, but unfortunately it’s not uncommon for those of us less “sensationalized” offspring who haven’t got any matches. 

So why is it that the media has a preoccupation with the “success stories” of donor conception?!  I was watching another episode of this morning show which featured a sibling reunion, and the way it was portrayed was that everybody found siblings on the DSR!!!  The media in general focuses on all the happy happy joy joy aspects of donor conception and rarely if ever even mention the losses involved, or the ethical issues concerned. 

I think it’s about time for the media to wake up and realize that our stories are just as important, if not more important than all the feel good stories!!  For one, it gives the impression that all offspring are happy, and have no ill feelings, and that everybody gets what they want.  Not once do the talk about the reunions and the siblings and parent-child relationships that have been lost for years – time that cannot ever be made up.

So to the media who only wants to see the fairytale happy endings, shame on you!!!  Why don’t you step up and do your job as journalists and actually report the TRUTH?!?!?    

All the world's a stage...as long as the offspring follow the script

“Mummy and Daddy were very sad when no baby began to grow. Then the doctor said there was a way for them to have a baby. Some very kind men give their sperm so people like Mummy and Daddy can have a baby. At last Mummy and Daddy had a baby and that was me!” (Donor Conception Support Group, 2004)

“One day I said 'Have I got a dad?' Then Mum told me all about how a hospital helped her to have a baby, even though she hadn't met the right person to be my dad. I am really proud my Mum could do this and I am proud of us and our family.” (Donor Conception Support Group, 2004)

Reading these two quotes one would think these are two small children telling the stories of their conception, but in reality these are stories written by adults [most likely the infertility industry] to tell small children about their ‘unique’ conception and just how ‘special’ they are!  I don’t think there is anything wrong with writing books to help parents disclose this information, but what I cannot digest is the direction and point of view that the story centers around!  It’s all about mom and dad (or just mom) and their struggles with infertility or being single and how this small child is the cure for these disabilities and therefore are so wanted and loved.

We are now children created specifically as a cure for someone else’s infertility or inability to find a good mate.  It's bad enough that we were created for this purpose, but to top it off we are instructed to feel the anguish our parents felt and thus validate our conception because it was in our parents’ best interests, instead of our own!!

As these children grow older they continue to view their donor conception and their subsequent genetic loss as a service done for their parents to save them from the pain of infertility.  They continually refer to their donor as a generous man who helped their parents have a baby and they themselves are grateful for this anonymous man for giving them life and bringing such joy to their parents.  The problem is not that these children feel this way (god help the happy-happy-joy-joy kids!!), but that they are simply parroting what their parents have ingrained in them from an early age, and that’s that the pain of infertility is paramount and that the parents feelings are more important then their own.  Take for example these two quotes from offspring in the documentary “A different story” by the Donor Conception Network UK.   

“I am glad I have my parents and I am glad I exist I suppose and so it was what they, they wanted a child so I am happy I can provide that service” (quoted in Rose, J. Mediation of Kinship and Identity, 2004)

“I’d rather be here than not here and I am actually, I am very grateful to the person who gave me life and made it possible for my parents to have children” (quoted in Rose, J. Mediation of Kinship and Identity, 2004)

It is obvious in these two examples that these children were told from a young age of their parents infertility and struggle to have a baby, and the subsequent use of a donor’s sperm to conceive them, but for this to be their rationale as to why it is okay for them to be denied the right to know their biological father is simply outrageous.  These are the same children who later announce that they do not want to search for their biological fathers for fear of hurting their parents, like this offspring who was also featured on the documentary “A different story”.

“If I was my Dad, especially, I would kind of feel a bit upset that I didn’t have my own children, if you know what I mean, like biological children. I don’t want to say that I really want to find my biological father because he might get a bit hurt…I think he knows that I would quite like to see my real father but I don’t want to talk about it too much” (quoted in Rose, J. Mediation of Kinship and Identity, 2004)

The fear of hurting their parents, usually their dads, is one of the primary reasons offspring don’t search for their biological fathers, sometimes until after their parents have passed away.  This is not a new phenomenon as it was seen for years in the adoption community.  Some offspring and adoptees wish to protect their parents, and therefore either don’t discuss their true feelings or continue to spout that biology means nothing to them and they are perfectly happy with their situation. 

“Alice Kirkman was 12 when her mother told her the story of her unconventional origins: she was conceived with eggs from her infertile mother and donor sperm. Then her aunt acted as a surrogate for the gestation. Now 16, Alice is completely comfortable with how she came to be and is in contact with her biological father. She believes a person's biological background has little bearing on their identity, but she would have been upset had her mother not divulged the truth.” (Why donor offspring need to know the truth, The Age, August 9, 2004)

In the example above, Alice says that she doesn’t think biology matters and she’s perfectly content with her conception (she was born of her genetic/social mother's eggs, a gestational surrogate – her aunt - and donor sperm), however you also see that she is now in contact with her biological father, so the looks as if what she is saying is either not true or has been deemed irrelevant.

The habit of brainwashing donor children as fuel to defend the righteousness of donor conception is out-rightly wrong and unethical.  Not only does is discredit those of us adults who have spoken out, using the socially conditioned donor children as a yard stick to base how well-adjusted a child is.  Time and time again adult offspring are told they must be unbalanced and that is why they feel the way they do.  No one every brings up the thought that biology is important, that these blood ties are something so vital that throughout the past millennia human beings have kept records of ancestry which people are able to trace their lineage back hundreds of years.  It is a integral aspect of human nature to want and need this genetic connectedness.  Therefore, I proclaim that those of us who feel wronged by this loss are in fact that most emotionally well adjusted as we acknowledge that such a loss is indeed significant.