Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Why do you build me up, buttercup baby, just to let me down??

Last week I was contacted out of the blue by a producer of a national morning show wanting me to come on the show.  My initial reaction was “oh my god!!” because I realized that going on national TV might be the only way I could draw attention to siblings and possibly my biological father.  But then I realized that I would have a heck of a lot of explaining to do to my parents, who already disagreed with the several instances I was featured in the media for my search, but I figured I was going to do it because it was a once in a lifetime chance.  So the producer called me later that evening and in the middle of discussing my story she asked if I had a close relationship with my donor……….shit!!!!

Apparently she was under the impression that I had already found the donor, and that’s what she wanted the show to be about.  So when she realized I still hadn’t found anyone she started changing the subject, asking me if I knew of any offspring and donors who would go on the show, etc.  I was quite disheartened to say the least, but unfortunately it’s not uncommon for those of us less “sensationalized” offspring who haven’t got any matches. 

So why is it that the media has a preoccupation with the “success stories” of donor conception?!  I was watching another episode of this morning show which featured a sibling reunion, and the way it was portrayed was that everybody found siblings on the DSR!!!  The media in general focuses on all the happy happy joy joy aspects of donor conception and rarely if ever even mention the losses involved, or the ethical issues concerned. 

I think it’s about time for the media to wake up and realize that our stories are just as important, if not more important than all the feel good stories!!  For one, it gives the impression that all offspring are happy, and have no ill feelings, and that everybody gets what they want.  Not once do the talk about the reunions and the siblings and parent-child relationships that have been lost for years – time that cannot ever be made up.

So to the media who only wants to see the fairytale happy endings, shame on you!!!  Why don’t you step up and do your job as journalists and actually report the TRUTH?!?!?    


Anonymous said...

are all donor children angry? do they all hate their parents who decided to have this child. Do you regret being born? Are any donor children happy that they where born into a loving family? Couples who are infertile are not selfish from your stand point. they want to share their life and love to a child that they helped create. It is out of love not selfishness. Maybe one day you will understand. I know that you had some life experiences, but you become more humble and less judgemental as you get older and figure out life is not always fair. Life never promised anyone a rose garden, but we can strive to care. I am sorry you are so angry and better. I am sorry if it sounds abrupt. Please accept my apology. I am writing becuase my husband and I can not have children the traditional way. We are thinking of a sperm donor. Is life really that awful for a child born from a donor? do all Donor children feel this way? are none of them greatful. thanks for answering me. Sam

Anonymous said...

why don't you tell the producer straight out that you'd like to be on the show in the hope of attracting attention of possible siblings or donor? maybe the drama will interest her

Anonymous said...

regarding grateful?
NO kids in this culture are grateful to their parents... why should donor kids be any different?

Anonymous said...

Donor conception aside, I've come to the conclusion that a huge percentage of people in this culture (perhaps even a majority) are unhappy and would rather NOT have been born though no one really comes out and admits it.
And the drive to have kids is maybe a last ditch effort to pass the misery off on to someone else!

the Albino Bowler said...

that song makes me think about the end of "There's Something About Mary:)" Hey. It was your page's layout that caught my eye. I like the way you let your thoughts flow. I've got to get back to my next chapter in the Kangaroo Rodeo, but just thought I'd say hello.


Renee said...


Infertility can be emotionally draining, but there are considerations using sperm donors. You can love a child, but what will happen when it comes a time to tell an adult that his dad is not his father? Are you ever going to tell that individual?

Just as you want your "own" children, individuals equally want want their "own" parents. To say you get what you want, but neither your husband or the child gets what they need (biological ties) in family formation. I don't see how that is fair too all parties, and ultimately become selfishness.

Just as a child may love a step-parent, it is understood and sympathized that one biological parent is not there and people acknowledge lost for that individuals and at least that person is allow to feel a sense of grief. For donor created children... they have to be 'so grateful' for being love and want. And how is hiding the truth of one's identity s(a deceptive lie) love? That's not love.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a baby, but one can not lie to a baby (especially your own child). You do not have that right.

Whose Daughter highlighted an article....

"“It’s absolutely necessary that I find out who he is to have a normal existence as a human being. That’s not negotiable in any way,” Tom said. “It would be nice if he wanted to meet me, but that would be something I want rather than something needed.”

Tom is convinced that the need to know one’s biological father is profound and that it is also every child’s right. What is clear from conversations with donor-conceived children is that a father is neither an abstract idea nor is he interchangeable with a mother."

Lindsay said...


First of all - you are directing generalized ambiguous questions at me, at which I can only answer from my own experiences. I am not going to tell you that all donor ADULTS are angry, but I will not ever say that no DC people are angry. Your frame of reference is to the "child", but not once have you acknowledged that I'm a grown adult and should not be treated as a toddler.

Children may be happy and healthy and all that, but the truth is all those bundles of joy grow up and with that comes our own opinions. If you can't accept that your "child" is going to grow up and may or may not hate that they're donor conceived, then maybe you should rethink having children this way.

Secondly, if you wish to question my views, please refer to any of the many other offspring (under DC blogs and DC groups/forums) who speak as candidly as I do about the pain associated with the loss of half our identity.

You obviously have no read my blog in its entirety so I am not going to reiterate what I have stated time and time again. I am not going to spout to you want you want to hear, because that would be a lie. You say I have not experienced life and once I do I will be less judgmental, but let me tell you - I have been through so much more than most people twice my age so never tell me that I haven't had any life experiences.

My last thought to you is this: if being alive and having love in my life is enough to make up for true kinship absence and loss - and I assume you are alive and love your life......then you should not feel pain and loss yourself. As you are experiencing such pain and loss regarding your infertility, then you have direct experience that life and love do not override other profoundly painful things. So why should you presume that being loved and alive would suffice for us donor conceived?

"It is immoral to ease the pain of one person, by creating pain for another"


damianhadams said...

Hi Lindsay,

been on the end of the same stick as you - much of the media only want to portray the happy happy joy joy component or conversely the pain of infertility. Just not the pain that some of us DC offspring experience.


DI_Dad said...

About two weeks ago the Morning Show with Mike and Juliet wanted my family to go on their show and discuss our serach for my children's donor. They were doing ahsow focused on the New Mexico case. I told them until my kids are old enough to understand and make the decision to search that was not our focus. Most of the shows are just looking for ratings and don't care about the issues.

I tried talking to the producer that contacted me about disclosure issues where few heterosexual couples who use DI ever even tell the kids the truth of their conception. It was not their focus so she basically said she'd keep it mind and that was the end of that.

- Eric

Lindsay said...

Hi Eric,

Yes, same issue here. After I told her that I didn't know anyone who fit what she wanted she emailed me and said they just decided to focus on the NM case, which really irked me. Like you she told me she'd keep me in mind, but that was not the focus of the current show.

I had hoped to try and contact several of the other national stations and see if they would like to run a story on the searching side, but again, nobody wants to focus on the unhappy because it's not that "awww, how sweet" story that everybody likes.

I wonder why she had wanted you guys to come on in regards to searching, when she didn't want an adult offspring to talk about it?? Apparently they're too worried we have minds of our own.......

Anyways, good luck and hopefully in time the media will realize that the issues are the important thing to expose, not the cute fairytale endings.