Sunday, April 20, 2008

Mommy dearest: A tribute to DI moms

This week I sank to the depths of hell and may have well encountered satan him[her]self - I caroused some of the DC message boards in attempts to find some motivational topic to write about.  Lo and behold I have found something!  Not that it’s anything new, of course (nothing is new in the roundabout bullshit that most DI mommies spout based on their own distorted means of thinking!), but it reminded me yet another irony of being a donor-conceived child. 

If you are not familiar with the mind-boggling world of the DC community, let me explain something.  The majority of members are 30-something recipient moms with DC kids ranging in age from newborns to about 8, an over-whelming number of SMCs and lesbians and of course the “my husband is infertile” women.  The most obnoxious tend to be the single moms, who feel that it is their feminist right to have a child ALONE!!! 

The weird thing is, there are VERY FEW donor-conceived people who venture onto these boards.  I mean, this a community for the donor-conceived, so where the hell are they?!?!

Let me let you in on a little secret…we avoid them like the plague.  Why you ask?  Because 99.9% of the vocal recipient moms don’t like us, and will do anything and everything imaginable to rid the community of our existence…we ruin their perfect little happy disillusioned world that DC is a “cure” for infertility and everybody is so happy and grateful to be alive!!

Reading the communication on the boards the past couple days I saw numerous posts on how many cycles it took to get pregnant, how to tell when you’re ovulating, whether or not to pick a donor who wears glasses, and the prospect of using artificial gametes for lesbians to procreate together (don’t even get me started on the disturbing and potentially dangerous implications both ethically and scientifically that could bring about, and even worse that it was thoroughly embraced by a woman who I thought was on [our] side!!)

Not one discussion (and this was on a donor conception DISCUSSION board) about the ethics of donor conception, if anonymous donors are just, or anything pertaining to the feelings of donor conceived offspring.  It’s as if no one cares how we feel.

One thing I find truly fascinating about these creatures we call recipient moms is that if an adult donor conceived person voices an opinion which differs from their own on any number of topics pertaining to donor conception, they immediately jump down this individual’s throat and accuse him or her of being mal-adjusted, and use some random bit of research (which almost always concerns small DC children – under 8 – and their parent(s)) to back up their claim that [we] shouldn’t feel this way.  It amazes me how they continue to live in their little worlds when adult donor conceived people (whom their children will eventually gain ranks with) have something to say, unless it’s what they want to hear they refute it by whatever means necessary, no matter how absurd.

The other point I want to make is in regards to selfish DC mothers.  Look at the infertility industry – everything is about the woman.  Even sperm donors…most “DI dads” probably don’t even care if they have kids or not but simply are sick and tired of their wives bitching a moaning about wanting a baby that they surrender and agree.  Donor eggs and donor embryos are also just alternative methods of satisfying greedy selfish women who want a baby.  Now, I’m not saying that women who conceive naturally are NOT selfish, most are but have the luxury of having a hubby or themselves fertile.

How many “DI dads” do you see active in the DC community – I can name two.  If the husbands really were as gung-ho about the process as everyone wants to believe I would think there would be more actively voicing their opinions.  All I’ve got to say is that it must be difficult to be a DI dad.  I don’t think I could be legitimately happy to know that in order for my wife to have her coveted baby she had to have it with another man.  That child must be a constant reminder of the dad’s weakness, his inadequacy, his Achilles’ heel.  It’s no wonder that divorce rates are so high in DC families, and so many where the dad wants nothing to do with the child afterwards.

Donor conception allows for selfish maternal behavior to be greatly rewarded at the expense of everyone else involved, and the difference between this and natural conception is that legally children’s best interests are not rendered important during pre-conception.  Which is different from natural conception where prior to conception the interests of a child are not constructed, as that child does not exist and therefore its future interests are not of relevant at the time.


kisarita said...

Dear lindsay, I am dissappointed by the recent tone of your blog which I originally appreciated very much. Your original communication with me had depth, respect and sensitivity. But lately your tone is hostile. If you think that DI mothers are wrong, fine. it is your right and indeed your obligation to express that. But lately you seem to be bashing them as nothing less than evil. Unfortunately while the metatone of your own pain in posts of this genre is still informative, the actual content is of little value. Best, Sara M.

Lindsay said...

Dear Sara,

I am sorry for offending you in this post, it was not meant to be. I know that not all recipient parents are as I described, and by reading a blog like mine you obviously fall far from that category. The comments about DI moms were a general assessment of many of the most vocal women found on the DC message boards who most often attack dissenting DC adults. I have befriended many recipient moms over the years and the one thing they've learned about me is I have my pet peeves - DI mothers who refuse to listen to adult offspring is one of my biggest. But by keeping an open frame of mind and listening to what DC adults have to say, be it good or bad, will make you a better parent and you will not turn into these ignorant women who verbally attack us for telling the truth.

I understand what you mean about the content of these rants is of little value, but communicating my opinions to parents was not the only purpose of this blog. Yes, I am grateful to see parents listening to what I have to say (and honestly it still shocks me considering some of the opposition I face in regards to publicizing my blog), but at the same time this blog is also for those donor-conceived who cannot speak up for whatever reason. It's also a blog for me...this is what many people forget. I created this blog for all the above-mentioned things, but also for a place to post my own feelings and frustrations and occasionally rants.

I'm sorry for offending you and I hope you continue to read my blog despite this, but please understand that while I try to get loads of information for offspring and parents, occasionally I need to get something off my chest, and most likely it's not to be taken personally.


kisarita said...

sure, understood.

Anonymous said...

I am 28 weeks pregnant with a DC child (anonymous donor). I am 46 years old and received donor eggs. My husband is the bio father. In preparation of raising my son to be as emotionally and mentally well adjusted as possible given the framework of his entry to life, I am reading up on as many blogs, articles, and groups as I can find. In reading many entries on your blog, I applaud you for voicing your opinions and emotions to the world. I hope your blog has a long life and is around for my son when he's age appropriate and seeks more information on being DC. Yet, from a mother's standpoint, it's hurtful to hear that you feel (and I appreciate you are venting your own feelings) we are so selfish. I fear my own son will say the same to me one day - maybe he will. I am trying to prepare for that. Life is not easy or straightforward for most of us. I won't go into the years of medical and emotional turmoil and pregnancy losses I went through to get to this stage because it's clear you don't care. But remember we are all human. We all have feelings. Some of us are trying our very best to prepare for the challenges our children will encounter in life (I also have 5 year old bio daughter - she too will have challenges). I am really touched by the agony many DC children have endured and I personally am doing whatever I can to support and assist my son to one day locate and maybe even connect with our donor (if she's willing). It is his right and I fully respect and support it. Thank you for sharing your side of the story.