There are days, and today is one of those days, where I feel like I’m beating a stupid dead horse. No matter how many times you explain, no matter how many times you try to make someone understand your pain, unless that person is willing and able to separate themselves from their own desperate wants and needs, they will never grasp the immeasurable grief that comes with the intentional loss of kinship.
This is not an impossible task mind you, I know of quite a few recipient moms who ‘get it’ and can distinguish between their own feelings and the feelings of either their child or of donor conceived adults as a whole. They can see the faults with donor conception, they can acknowledge that their decision may have caused an insatiable pain for their kids, but at the same time they can love and cherish their child(ren). And these women, I don’t think they get the respect and the gratitude that they so deserve for succeeding in this task, because for many DC adults, these women have become our foundation.
There are several DC moms who have become what I would call second moms to me, and they know who they are. Not only do they have the integrity to stand up and say that (quoting one of them) “You know, I did what I thought was the best thing at the time, but looking at the situation, I may have made a mistake, while still loving my child and not being able to envision life without him“ but they selflessly understand that our views, whatever they may be are rightfully ours, and that truly wanting the best for their children is essentially accepting and empathizing with our loss.
However, the majority of mothers cannot begin to fathom this, as they are too defensive, too walled up behind their own emotions, their own insecurities, to be able to ultimately accept the fact that regardless of their own emotions, the child created in this manner is the one who is going to carry this decision as a metaphorical badge of bastardism until they day they die.
I received an email from one of the latter moms yesterday, and in my attempts to form a coherent and sound reply minus several select swear words, I’ve decided to blog about it.
In this email, I was informed that:
“The one thing that is very clear and will never change is the use of donors to create families”
“From the numerous emails I have received in only a couple of months, I feel like you are on the extreme edge of feeling it (donor conception – anonymous) is completely wrong. I haven’t had anyone with the feelings you express”
“I would be heartbroken if either of my boys grow up to feeling the way you feel”
“And while I get that you are saying that those other situations happen through the realm of life, and as parents we CHOSE to bring our children into the world via donation…well I just don’t buy it. I just don’t. We CHOSE a lot more than that. That (using a donor) is one small aspect”
“Not having children this way is not an option and one that will never happen”
And to top it off…”Please don’t take anything in this email as negative”
Without going all crazy white girl on this woman, I’m truly appalled at her lack of empathy, her complete disregard for an ADULT offspring’s feelings [her children are both under 6], and her obviously uninformed ignorance to the views of offspring.
All it takes is a few seconds to take a look at anything in the right column to see that we are not going to be silenced. We are adult donor offspring and we deserve the same respect that the majority of these recipient moms take for granted…to know both our biological parents.