Letter to Fairfax Cryobank - YOUR HELP IS NEEDED!!

This is the final draft of the letter to Fairfax on behalf of PCVAI in regards to their website.  Please read and endorse it if you agree.  I understand that not every opinion and every point could be made, but if you wish to support this letter please let me know ASAP!!

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To Whom This May Concern:

On behalf of the group ‘People Conceived Via Artificial Insemination’ I would like to make a retort against the one and only story published on your page for children of DI, entitled The College Essay.  With over 200 adult donor offspring members across the globe, we believe that it is biased and irresponsible to publish only a one-sided essay; and furthermore one that is insulting and demeaning towards the donor-conceived/adoptees who do feel a loss in not being allowed to know their biological roots.

Our first criticism of this story is how the mother worried that her daughter would become a resentful, unhappy adult with psychological issues, as if people who criticize any social problem must not be content.  I would rather my future children be activists who are socially aware and recognize social ills and do something about it than be complacent. If everyone were less critical and judgmental we wouldn’t have such “troubled” people who changed the world, such as Rosa Parks, willing to submit themselves to the deviant labeling from “normal” society in order to act against injustice.

Our second issue with this page is the assumption that offspring should view their conception the same as their parents’ view their infertility, and subsequently that their conception is justified because it gave their parents the “gift” of having a child.  By surrendering our most basic right (to know our roots) to the wants and needs of our parents we have essentially lost any aspect of an autonomous personhood.  Our disgust is that the focus of the page dedicated to answering the questions of the children created through donated gametes sounds more like an advertisement to potential recipients, spotlighting the donor recruitment and screening process and policies, and then flat-out inform any offspring that you will never contact a donor on his or her behalf.  You have completely eradicated the opinion of many offspring, and have corralled donor-conceived offspring into a single self-validating opinion, which implies that anyone who feels otherwise is psychologically troubled.

In the story, Monica’s mother even acknowledges the views of the “vocal minority”, but simply writes them off as troubled and the means of dramatic and sensational journalism.  These instances have been disposed of so Monica has no idea of the “negative views” from many offspring.  It’s as if Monica’s mother is not protecting her children from these views because they won’t need them, but more so because she fears that if they are exposed to these views they might see them as acceptable.  What is essentially being said in this paragraph of the story is that Mom is so fearful that her children might have other feelings, that she must keep her children ignorant of the world in order to justify her own decision, and assuring herself that those who are dissenting must be in the minority and are surely not “well-adjusted and content”.

Our final reaction to this story is that it sounds very sugar-coated, maybe even a piece written on behalf of your PR department as a defensive move to counter the growing voices of dissent from DI adults. For instance, Monica says in her essay that the idea of being donor-conceived is something she rarely thinks about and it often slips her mind, however she makes it the focus of her college essay.  An offspring who was truly ‘content’ with his or her conception I doubt would bring the subject up at all.  On the flip side, as a graduate student studying genetics, I have personally used being donor conceived on many graduate program personal statements as it’s an interesting anecdote about how I became interested in the field; however I used it because being donor conceived IS something I think about and it HAS affected me in numerous ways.

As donor-conceived adults we feel that even if this truly is how Monica sees her conception, it is only perpetuating the status quo established by the infertility industry and negating the legitimate criticisms many of us have been trying to voice.  It also only shows one person’s reaction towards his or her infertility, one that describes using donor gametes as a “cure” without acknowledging that only masks the symptoms, leaving behind it life-long consequences for everyone involved: the offspring who has lost his or her biological father, half-siblings, aunts, uncles, and grandparents, the social father who often sees this child as a constant reminder of his weakness, the donor who has no opportunity to even know of the children he creates, and the mother who may feel threatened by a child who has their own opinions.  While we are not trying to downscale the impact of infertility on a person, we feel that alternatives to using donor gametes should also be discussed in order to give potential clients the most accurate and unbiased education, including but not limited to pre-conception counseling and testimonies which encompass all viewpoints. 

Many of the members of PCVAI have their own children and even grandchildren, and while each of us are happy and productive members of society, many of us feel that if we could go back in time, we would tell our mother to not use a sperm donor to become pregnant.  Many of us have contemplated or even dealt with infertility ourselves, but we would not choose to use a donor if such a circumstance should arise.  As the individuals who are affected the most by assisted reproduction, we understand the impact and loss associated with these endeavors and above anyone else our views should be the most important in recipient parents as well as the infertility industry’s decisions.

As a group we feel that it is of paramount importance that the differing viewpoints of adult donor-conceived persons be represented, and that no one side be legitimatized simply because it validates your product.  It is very peculiar that as a page that is supposedly focused to the donor offspring that the only story published is one that discounts the views of other offspring, and is not even written by an offspring.  The current information and story only serve to embarrass and chastise a donor-conceived person who feels anything less than happy and grateful, humiliating us into silence.

 

Sincerely,

Lindsay ---------- , Donor-Conceived

Fairfax Letter of Complaint

This is the first draft of the letter to Fairfax on behalf of PCVAI.  Please endorse it and/or give me feedback or ideas.

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To Whom This May Concern:

On behalf of the group ‘People Conceived Via Artificial Insemination’ I would like to make a retort against the one and only story published on your page for children of DI, entitled “The College Essay”.  With over 200 adult donor offspring members across the globe, we believe that it is biased and irresponsible to publish only a one-sided essay; and furthermore one that is insulting and demeaning towards the donor-conceived/adoptees who do feel a loss in not being allowed to know their biological roots.

Our first reaction to this story is that it sounds very fabricated, that it is likely a piece written by your PR department as a defensive move to counter the growing voices of dissent from DI adults. For instance, Monica says in her essay that the idea of being donor-conceived is something she rarely thinks about and it often slips her mind, however she makes it the focus of her college essay.  An offspring who was truly ‘content’ with his or her conception I doubt would bring the subject up at all. 

On the flip side, as a graduate student studying genetics, I have personally used being donor conceived on many graduate program personal statements as it’s an interesting anecdote about how I became interested in the field; however I used it because being donor conceived IS something I think about and it HAS affected me in numerous ways. 

Our second criticism of this story is how the mother worried that her daughter would become a resentful, unhappy adult with psychological issues, as if people who criticize any social problem must not be content.  I would rather be an activist who is socially aware and recognizes social ills and does something about it than be complacent. If everyone were less critical and judgmental we wouldn’t have such “troubled” people who changed the world, such as Rosa Parks, willing to submit themselves to the deviant labeling from “normal” society in order to act against injustice.

Our third issue with this page is the assumption that offspring should view their conception the same as their parents’ view their infertility, and subsequently that their conception is justified because it gave their parents the “gift” of having a child.  By surrendering our most basic right to the wants and needs of our parents we have essentially lost any aspect of an autonomous personhood.  Our disgust is that the focus of the page dedicated to answering the questions of the children created through donated gametes sounds more like an advertisement to potential recipients, spotlighting the donor recruitment and screening process and policies, and then flat-out inform any offspring that you will never contact a donor on his or her behalf.  You have completely eradicated the opinion of many offspring, and have corralled donor-conceived offspring into a single self-validating opinion, which implies that anyone who feels otherwise is psychologically troubled.

In the story, Monica’s mother even acknowledges the views of the “vocal minority”, but simply writes them off as troubled and the means of dramatic and sensational journalism.  These instances have been disposed of so Monica has no idea of the “negative views” from many offspring.  It’s as if Monica’s mother is not protecting her children from these views because they won’t need them, but more so because she fears that if they are exposed to these views they might see them as acceptable.  What is essentially being said in this paragraph of the story is that Mom is so fearful that her children might have other feelings, that she must keep her children ignorant of the world in order to justify her own decision, and assuring herself that those who are dissenting must be in the minority and are surely not “well-adjusted and content”.   

As a group we feel that it is of paramount importance that the differing viewpoints of adult donor-conceived persons be represented, and that no one side be legitimatized simply because it validates their product.  It is very peculiar that as a page that is supposedly focused to the donor offspring that the only story published is one that discounts the views of other offspring, and is not even written by an offspring.  The current information and story only serve to embarrass and chastise a donor-conceived person who feels anything less than happy and grateful, humiliating us into silence.

Sincerely,

Lindsay ------------, Donor-Conceived, Cleveland, Ohio

People Conceived Via Artificial Insemination

Fairfax's bogus DC story infuriates adult offspring

A recent discussion on PCVAI was in response to the posting of a supposed story on Fairfax’s website from mother about her child’s view on being donor-conceived (ironically the ONLY story posted on their section entitled ‘Children of DI’, and it’s not even from an offspring!!).

They also add this for offspring: "As a child or adult conceived with the use of donor sperm, you may have many questions.  We would like to help you answer some of them by sharing some of the details about how our sperm banks selects donors, offers donor sperm to women and couples, and handles requests for information about donors."

This could not be more of an insult - I don't give a rat's ass about how they select donors or sell sperm, and god only knows if all they can tell me is that they will never give any information to offspring, what kind of "help" is that?!?!  That doesn't answer a single goddamn question I have!!!  Fairfax, you are so irresponsible and reckless that you should never sell a vial of sperm ever again out of your complete disdain for the children created by your company!

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The College Essay

My daughter, Monica, is applying to colleges. Like her older brother, she will soon be going out into the world.  Where has the time gone?  Wasn’t it just yesterday that we received a diagnosis of severe male factor infertility and we were faced with making the decision as to how our family would be built?

When we began our infertility journey and joined RESOLVE in 1983, our focus was on pregnancy and babies.  We couldn’t even imagine this far ahead in time, when our children would be making decisions about college.  But we did have fears about the future.

We choose donor insemination (DI) to build our family, and much later continued our family building efforts through donor egg and intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI).  Although a support group helped ease some of the isolation we felt, we didn’t know anyone who had taken this same route to parenthood. We had no idea what the future might hold.  What if our child someday resented how s/he had been conceived?  What if s/he grew into an unhappy adult with psychological issues?

‘Mom, can you proofread my college essay before I send it out?”  Monica asked me, bringing me back to reality.  “The application said to write 250 words or less on the theme, tell us about the world you come from,” she continued, offering me her seat in front of the computer.  With her standing beside me, I began reading:

“The world I come from is ordinary, comfortable and stable.  I have two normal parents and I’m cushioned between two brothers, one younger, one older.  On the outside we are a traditional American family.  When I talk about family, I always refer to them as normal, loving people who are always there for me.  I often forget, however, that we are not ordinary.

Our family is different because both our parents had infertility issues.  My brothers and I were all conceived with the use of donor gametes.  Although my brothers and I were born with the aid of donors, it doesn’t matter.  In fact I rarely think about it and it always seems to slip my mind.

While others may be solely dependent on external validation, I have learned that life is not just about how you appear on the outside and how people view you.  I have grown up open-minded.  I believe that I am less critical and judgmental than other people because I know that things on the outside are not always what they seem.  I understand that things that are different should not be feared and deserve acceptance that ordinary situations receive."

“What do you think?” she asked eagerly.

“It’s fabulous.  It’s wonderful how open and positive you are,” I said, blinking back tears.

“Why shouldn’t I be?” she asked.

“Some individuals conceived using donor gametes have issues,” I told her.

“Why would they have issues?” she wanted to know.

When we began our journey to create a family over two decades ago, we were told by the medical community not to reveal the method of conception to any resulting children.  This advice was accepted by 95% of couples utilizing DI at the time.  I found this recommendation odd, considering the history of disclosure in the adoption community and the negative consequences of withholding information.  But DI was way behind the social advances and acceptance of adoption, and still is.  There was never any doubt that we would tell our children from the beginning, though we proceeded with some trepidation.  There was no one to guide us. We felt like trailblazers.

As our children grew, stories began cropping up in newspapers, magazines and online bulletin boards featuring troubled donor-conceived individuals.  Monica knew nothing of these negative views of donor conception, because I had tried to shield her, cutting out and disposing of these articles so she and her brothers wouldn’t read them.  I hoped that those stories represented a vocal minority and assumed that individuals who didn’t have an issue with how they were conceived would have no need to talk to the media.  Even if they did, well-adjusted and content individuals wouldn’t make for very dramatic or sensational journalism.

Now that I read Monica’s essay, I finally realized that I could let go of the fears.  There was nothing to shield her from anymore.

“Why would someone have issues because of how they were conceived?” Monica asked me again.

“Some people don’t view things the way you do, honey,” I said.

Monica looked puzzled, and then shrugged her shoulders.

I now understand that her perception of her conception history was a mirror of how I viewed my infertility experience. We both saw it as something that enriched our lives.

Our children are a gift, created from a gift, and as they venture away from home, they are our gift to the world.

The author is a RESOLVE member and volunteer.

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After reading this story several points come to mind that make me (and many others in PCVAI) believe that Fairfax’s PR department wrote this story and Monica and her mother do not exist.  This story was simply written to counter the growing number of adult offspring who are voicing opinions which do not agree with the current status quo.

First off, Monica says in her essay that the idea of being donor conceived is something she rarely thinks about and it often slips her mind, however she makes it the focus of her college essay.  An offspring who was truly ‘content’ with his or her conception I would doubt to bring the subject up.  On the flip side, I know I’ve used being donor-conceived on graduate program personal statements and cover letters since I’m in the field of genetics – it’s an interesting anecdote about why I’m interested in genetics (and people definitely remember me!); but I use it because being donor-conceived IS something that I think about and it HAS affected me in numerous ways.

Secondly, the claim that the section is specifically for the views of donor offspring but this is the only story presented also lends to the fact that Fairfax is discounting and insulting those of us who feel the way we do simply to validate clients to continue to use donated gametes with the pretension that offspring are happy and content.

Thirdly, there is the insinuation that we are the “vocal minority” and that we must have psychological issues because of how we feel, going as far as calling us troubled, and that the only reason why our stories are featured are because it’s more for the sensationalism of journalism than the truth. 

The final thought was that “well-adjusted” offspring should view their conception exactly as their parents view their infertility, and thus condone the process because it was  “cure” for their parents’ infertility and it “enriched” their lives and therefore must enrich the offspring’s life as well. 

I’m sorry; I just don’t buy it at all.  It’s complete and utter bullshit coming straight from the infertility industry bastards who continue to ruin our lives. 

Fairfax has never been my “favorite sperm bank” for it’s antiquated policies and complete disregard for the children they create, but this brainwashing has gone too far.  They are dirty liars who don’t care about the children, and probably don’t even care about the recipient parents, since they aren’t doing them the decency to give them at least both sides of the story. 

I am in the process of writing a formal complaint letter to Fairfax on behalf of PCVAI.  Anyone who would also like to add his or her name/organization to this letter please email me.

More questions from inquiring wannabe moms

Several questions were brought up to me from an anonymous comment from a potential parent, and here are my responses.  I hope this answers your questions and feel free to respond.

1. “I would like to know why you think that DC is selfish?”

Many donor offspring, myself included, see donor conception as a selfish option for creating children, because being that it’s far from the ideal circumstance [to conceive this way], there must be some desperate and therefore selfish want/need for the woman to have a baby to use a donor.  In any case of donor conception, there was a more ideal which for some way shape or form could not happen – infertile husband (or wife), lack of a partner, or same-sex partner – all three of these scenarios force the couple to make a decision…live without children, adopt children who are already on this earth, or use a donor.

So no matter how you put it, donor conceived children are second best, which is why we are forced by our parents to feel so indebted to be alive, to be grateful to be created...because they are trying to hide the fact that we were not their "ideal child" - due to the reasons which brought them to donor conception.  Who really can tell me that their ideal is to have a child with a man who is not your husband, and whom you don't even know?  Because of this parents must rely on proving to the world that they made the right decision by having this child, and most of it is to overcome their own insecurities about having a second-rate child.  And for many offspring, we realize that we're not the ideal child...social fathers are oftentimes distant and aloof towards their donor children, mainly because this child is a constant reminder of their own weakness.  Mothers try to compensate and love us to an extreme, almost to the point where it's unhealthy - and then become reactive if we don't agree with our conception or want to know our biological father.

Many women become selfish and only want a baby that is “theirs”, so they refuse to adopt…some have the idea that adoptees are ‘damaged goods’ and don’t want the extra baggage that goes along with that.  Sadly, no one wants to acknowledge that children of donor conception carry much of the same baggage, per say, as adoption, so instead they pretend like biology doesn’t matter (so much so that approximately 85-90% of children conceived by a donor are never told!).  However, that’s hypocritical, since they themselves wanted a baby biologically related to them so badly they had to use a donor!

After the child is born, and grows up, many offspring feel inclined to search for their missing biological relatives (whether it be the donor, half-siblings, etc), but many recipient moms become fearful…”what if their child loves the donor more?!” many of them cry.  Many offspring feel that they are too scared to start searching for fear of hurting their parents’ feelings.  However, it was the parents’ selfish behavior, which forces the offspring to feel this way.  It becomes a battle of whose rights are more important, and for most recipient parents their own rights – their desire to have a baby – that trump the adult/child’s need for his or her biological relatives.  Children and adults begin to feel existential debt, the weight that their parents placed on them to feel wanted and grateful to be alive.  This feeling of being indebted to their parents often keeps adults from searching until their parents have passed away, and in many cases it’s already too late.

2. “In a perfect world what would you rather an infertile couple use as an option?”

In a perfect world there would be no such thing as infertility, so that begs the question.  In a perfect world all children would also be raised by their biological parents in harmony.  In our not-so-perfect world, adoption is a better option since these children are already on this earth and need a family. 

If a donor must be used, do the fair thing for your child and choose an open-identity donor – The Sperm Bank of California has ID-release donors who are willing to be contacted when the child turns 18.  While there are many faults with the system, at least this attempts to fix some of them.  In the donor offspring group PCVAI, out of 200 adult offspring, there is almost an unanimous agreement that anonymity of donors should be banned, and most of the group agrees that open-identity donors are a must (many countries in Europe have already moved to this – UK, Netherlands, Italy, Sweden, Austria, Switzerland, and several others – as well as the Australian states of Victoria, New South Wales, and Western Australia, and New Zealand)

For me at least, while I became curious around the age of 7 or 8 to know my biological father, it was not until I was a teenager that I began to really need to know him, and I didn’t start searching until I was 18 (I didn’t even know that I could be searching until then, when I discovered the DSR and the online community). 

Regardless, many offspring who have met their donors (after the age of 18) feel that this still is in no way good.  As Myfanwy Walker of Melbourne, Australia argues, she lost 20 years of knowing and being raised by her biological father [Michael], he missed 20 years of knowing her and raising her, and that time missing is irreparable.  Her and Michael have formed a very close relationship, but meeting him only further added to her anger towards being donor conceived, now realizing what she had missed and what donor conception denies from children, especially knowing that most offspring her age will never know their donor.

However, the bottom line is that identity-release donors are the closest thing to ideal when using donors, unless you want to use a family friend who would be known to the child from day one (however, this idea bears with it many other complicated issues when you get down to it).

The Secret, Revealed

I normally don't take posts from other bloggers and put them up here, but this one I think is an exception because for me it speaks mountains.

I found this post on Teresa's blog - UngratefulLittleBastard - and while she is speaking of her own life as an adoptee, I felt that it was exactly how donor offspring feel.  Therefore, when reading this substitute "adoption" with "donor conception" and "adoptee" with "offspring" and you will see my point.

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May 28, 2008

I don’t know which emotion is stronger:

Amusement or fury.

Because I feel them both, at the same time, whenever it is alluded to.

You know, IT

Adoptees know what IT is. IT’s the holy grail of knowledge, the forbidden secret, the answer to the great mystery:

What horrible, dreadful mistake did our adoptive parents make, to make us feel the way we do.

Why aren’t I so happy to be adopted, the way their brother-in-law’s cousin’s adopted housekeeper is? Why am I so angry, so much not like that adopted co-worker who is jumping cartwheels with glee over not knowing her genealogy?

I gotta think about it. How was my adoptive mom different than the adoptive moms of today?

Hmmm. Well, I remember a discussion I read once between some adoptive moms about a young adoptee who had drawn on the walls of her house. There was a big thread going over what an appropriate consequence would have been.

And that’s when it hit me. What my adoptive mom did wrong.

Because I as well, at a very young age, drew on the walls of my house. In a very bad place too. You see, my adoptive mom was rather ahead of her time design-wise, and had a very stunning trompe d'oeil painted on the living room wall. I wanted to add a bit to it. So I drew on it. A very fine cat, if I remember correctly.

And what was my consequence? In the thread, I seem to remember various ideas from cleaning it up to taking the adoptee to see a priest.

That’s where my adoptive mom went wrong.

She took me instead, to a closet. The toy closet, to be exact.

And here’s what she did to me in that closet. Gather close, here’s where the big, deep, dark secret comes in.

She said to me,

 

brace yourself now,

“Here’s a better place to draw on the walls.”

I know, it’s shocking. I’ll give you a minute to compose yourself. Because it gets worse.

She let me draw, all over the walls of that closet. And she let me have friends come and draw on the walls too. When every single inch of that wall was covered with drawing and graffiti, you know what she did then?

Please, give me a moment, this is very difficult to get this out.

 

She had the closet walls painted white, so we could start over.

God, oh god, it feels so good to finally get that out. I feel so relieved. Years of therapy, and I’ve never told this story. There’s more to tell. This abuse continued.

When I was a little older, I went to visit the new home of one of my aunts. And my aunt had something on her bedroom wall that I had never seen before: a collage.

A collage

Whoa.

While the grown-ups downstairs sat at the coffee table for hours talking and gossiping, I didn’t leave the bedroom. I was fascinated. I wanted to look at every single picture, every single square inch. I couldn’t believe someone had spent this much time to make something so beautiful.

On the drive home, I asked if I could have a collage on my wall.

And I know this is hard to read, but she said yes.

It took me about six months, but from floor to ceiling, glued, yes, GLUED to the wall, were pictures cut out of magazines.

As I’ve written about before, a few years later we moved. And moved again. And moved again. Every time my adoptive dad got a promotion, we’d move. The houses got substantially bigger each time. My bedrooms got substantially bigger each time. The walls to collage got substantially bigger each time. Yep, in every house, until I moved out at 18, I had a collage.

It’s shocking, but I saw nothing wrong with it. When you’re abused like that, it becomes normal. You think everyone lives like you do.

There was one house that we knew would be temporary. That we’d only be there for about 9 months to a year before moving again. In this house, I was not allowed to glue magazine pictures to my bedroom wall. She made me do something else instead.

She got huge sheets of butcher paper, and had them thumb tacked to the wall. I had to glue my pictures on the butcher paper instead. And when it was time to move, she had the movers carefully take the collage down, and pack it up inside stiff cardboard so it would be safe inside the truck, so that it could be put on the wall of the next house.

Please take this to heart. The key to having a happy adoptee is never, ever, ever allow them to draw on walls unconsequenced. Otherwise, when they grow up, they’ll be just like me.

In truth, my adoptive parents did make mistakes. Just like their parents made mistakes. And their grandparents made mistakes. Just like I made mistakes, and just like my kids will make mistakes, and my grandkids will make mistakes. Blood related or not, the one thing that draws us all together, has been and will be that look, eye to eye alone with the mirror, with only ourselves and our conscious to know. When we feel that rip of guilt in our hearts as we remember something we said or did as parents and think: “My god, how could I?”

Because we’re human and frail and faulty and we make mistakes.

None of which have any impact whatsoever on my feelings about adoption.

So please don’t write me nice emails nicely insulting my adoptive parents, asking what they did wrong. I just delete them and add your address to my blocked senders list. Instead I’ll answer it here once and for all

Here it is, no snark, no snide, no joke

The #1 thing my adoptive parents did wrong:

They thought they could love the adoption away.

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So for all you recipient moms who truly believe that it is/was something my mother did in raising me that caused me (or any other offspring who disagrees with donor conception) to feel the way I do, maybe you need to rethink your theory.  Your theory is a cop-out because no one wants to acknowledge that kids raised with all the love in the world could turn out [god-forbid] like me...but alas, they do!

The truth is, no matter what you do or don't do, your child is going to form his or her own opinion of their conception, and contrary to popular belief, reminding them every day that they were so loved and wanted is not going to stop it.  You can't erase biology, you can't erase the donor from your child, and you can't erase your child's need for an identity.