I really do love my mom, but after nearly six years of searching she has yet to be able to accept how I feel. When I was living in Australia, I had 10,000 miles between us and suddenly, for the first time I was able to start to tell her what I had been secretly doing for two years - she was furious, and I don't even want to get into the situations that ensued when I returned home in late 2005, after a negative DNA test - but for the time being when I was in Melbourne, she was unable to emotionally break me.
Then, after graduation I moved to Cincinnati for a year. While I was still in the same state (barely), those 250 glorious miles between us made so that I could tell her something and not see her for another month or so, where by then she cooled off. I got even gutsier and told her of some of my friends, such as Kathleen, and their stories. I thought if she could see that I wasn't the only one who was searching, that she would understand that it was nothing against her, it was nothing wrong with me, it was just something that I had to do.
So now, I'm living at home. I did not like Cincinnati...it wasn't home, it wasn't Cleveland (despite the horrible weather, the shitty post-industrial economy, and our river that caught on fire - twice!....it's home). But at least I was free to do what I wanted. Now I'm back here, living with my constantly fighting, never loved one another a single second of their marriage, everyone wishes they'd get a divorce, parents. And I feel like I'm in prison.
I ended up in the Emergency Room the day after New Years with a severe migraine (which ended up lasting a week). I had blood work, I was drugged with heavy narcotics, I had CAT scans --- the works (I even have an appointment with a neurologist to get an MRI on Tuesday). They couldn't find the cause of my migraine, and when asked about my stress level, the response from my parents was "she doesn't work and she's not in school right now, she can't have any stress". RIGHT.
I really just needed to vent here. I don't even know what the point of this post is really, other than I'm frustrated and angry because my mother still does not acknowledge my loss...let alone that her decisions caused this loss. I'm not looking for her to go fighting to ban donor anonymity with me or anything - I'm just looking for her to say, if this is what I need to do that she supports me.
I hate that I'm terrified to tell her some good news about my search, for fear of being accused of being obsessive and told that it's not important. I hate that I have to hide my true feelings and beliefs from her because she goes on the defensive and calls me selfish and self-centered, that I don't care about anyone else but myself. I have never once said it's her fault, or accused her of doing wrong. She went through with it because she truly believed she could be a good parent and wanted a child and wasn't in a relationship. I understand that!
What I don't understand is that after 24 years, she can't get over her own feelings and accept that I have feelings of my own. Getting married and my dad legally adopting me doesn't change that my father is someone else!! It's like she wants to live in this fantasy, where her decision almost 25 years ago is erased. Sometimes I feel like she wishes she never told me, because it would be so much easier for HER. Changing my last name did want she wanted it to...it made things easier for her, no longer did she have to deal with my teachers calling her Mrs. Manzoian, and other awkward situations that arose. However, it didn't change me - I didn't suddenly morph into the biological child of my dad. I was still a stranger in my own family...I was still the black sheep, the one who stuck out like a sore thumb.
1 comment:
Lindsay,
I'm sorry about your mother not being supportive of what you are going through, and in your search for your biological father. Things would certainly be easier if she were more supportive, but unfortunately, though I hope it does, that may not happen anytime soon. Sometimes people just can't face the things they have done, because it would hurt too much. They may have trouble admitting to themselves - and so, to others - that they have caused so much pain through their (selfish, if understandable) choices. It make take years for your mother to come around - I hope she does at some point.
Not long ago, I saw a program on television about Chernobyl. Remember the nuclear plant that exploded in Russia in 1986? Apparently, the amount of radiation that leaked into the atmosphere was 10X as big as Hiroshima. Well, the documentary that I saw made it clear that one of the main reasons why the nuclear plant exploded is because the manager who was on duty at the time insisted on violating directions in performing a safety test. He was a big gun, a "V.I.P." Communist party member, and everyone there had to listen to him. Several people tried to tell him that his orders were dangerous, but he wouldn't listen. He insisted on performing the safety test in a way that caused the nuclear reactor to become very unstable and eventually to explode. Many people lost their lives because of that accident - but miraculously, that manager survived (and was sent to jail).
Several years later, a TV station visited that manager in prison and had an interview with him. And incredibly, he still insisted that the explosion was in no way his fault. He blamed the people who constructed the reactor, and the organization that allowed it to be placed into operation. He blamed everyone left and right, but he himself, in his own opinion, was innocent as a white dove.
I found his statements incredible, and then I started thinking about how that often seems to be the case. Often, people just can't seem to admit it, even to themselves, when they've done something that was very wrong and caused a lot of pain. They will often get very defensive and even very self-righteous - and arguing with them is a lost cause.
All that can be done is to hope that one day, they will move past their own mental block and break down the big brick wall they've constructed to shield themselves from the truth.
Sometimes the best thing to do is just to forgive, for our own peace of mind, and to move on with our own lives without waiting for recognition by those that have hurt us. If you are so inclined, you can also pray for them. And I will keep your mother in my prayers.
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