Just to be politically correct for Father's Day

Prickly City by Scott Stantis (June 21, 2009)

Politically correct cartoon....in honor of "Donor of a Chromosome and Half the Genome Day"

Another new blog! This time an offspring...

Check out Offspringgirl's blog.  A newly discovered donor-conceived adult talking about the journey to find her biological father.

In an instant my life changed. Poof, just like that. All I had thought and known changed. This was the day I was told that my Dad was biologically not my Dad. Strange, or was it? Certainly there were differences I noticed growing up and even inquired about, but now in my 40's had let go of the notion. But, it was true. In the wake of tragedy, a family death, the truth was told. As shocking as this was, it was also an "ah ha" moment. I was the offspring of a sperm donor. A med student sperm donor, a different religion than the one I had been brought up in. Who is he? The seach begins.

New blog by former donor

[Update 6/19/2009] Mike has moved his blog Donor 67 to his personal website:

http://www.rumur.com/news/category/donor67/

Please update any bookmarks

Donor 67 (aka Michael Galinsky) has started a new blog.  Below is his first post from today....an op-ed he wrote about a film he is beginning to work on [he's a filmmaker].  About being a sperm donor, a father....both.  He is one a growing number of former sperm donors who are starting to acknowledge the ramifications of their donations and want to become known to their children they created in a laboratory.

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Are You My Father?

Stems cell research, in-vitro fertilization, egg and sperm donations, and the ethical implications that surround them have been all over the news recently. These are thorny issues and as a filmmaker I am compelled to throw myself and my story into the debate. 

Before I made films I played bass guitar in a rock band. To support myself I worked as a messenger for a commercial production house, and a couple of times a week I donated sperm. While on my way uptown to deliver videotapes to the edit house I'd sometimes stop by the sperm bank to make a deposit. 50 bucks might not sound like a lot of money, but it was almost as much as I made for a full day of work as a messenger. My rent was only $150 a month, so between a few days of working as a messenger and 4-6 donations a month, I had enough money to live and enough time to focus on music, photography, and writing.

Despite the fact that I was a religious studies major in college I didn't think too deeply about the ethical or long term implications of my second job. I also didn't keep my work a secret. In fact when people asked me what I did for a living I'd say, "I'm a sperm donor". They either laughed or recoiled in horror. Invariably I would get along well with those who laughed or were intrigued; it was kind of a litmus test.

All humor aside, when I started donating I had the sense that the sperm donor was a pretty unimportant part of the equation. I'd read or seen many sob stories about adopted children searching for their birth mother, but I had never seen anything written about the search for a birth father, let alone a donor father. I donated on and off for probably a couple of years when I wasn't on tour with my band. When I started to date my future wife in a serious way I simply stopped going to the lab. I didn't think about it too much after that.

We got married and after several years my wife and I had a red haired, wild eyed, explosively charismatic daughter. I spent a lot of time with her and was fascinated by the reality of watching her become who she is. There were things about my daughter that simply couldn't have been formed or changed by my parenting style, skills, or lack of thereof. She was who she was when she was born, and she was a lot more me than her mom.

When my wife was 6 months pregnant with our second daughter my father was struck by a car and killed instantly. I was very close to my father which made it a gut-wrenchingly painful experience. While we had our conflicts we also had good communication and as such I didn't feel like we had unfinished business to deal with despite the fact that he was snatched from us so violently. I was pleased that my older daughter had gotten to know him because both of my grandfathers had passed away before I was born and I had the sense that I had missed out on something by never meeting them. Even though she was just shy of 4 years old when he passed away I believe that knowing him had a powerful effect on her life. I have a picture of her on his lap being read to that is, for lack of a better word, precious.

My father handled almost everything in my family and I fell into his leadership role in arranging the funeral. Although hastily put together, it brought many of my relatives together from all over the country. Some of my cousins came that I hadn't talked to in over a decade, yet I felt deeply connected to them. Over 100 people crowded into our house for an impromptu afternoon of remembrance. As I spoke to this group about my father I wore his shirt, which was too small and his watch that didn't work, because I needed to feel connected to him. The room was filled with people who had felt connected to him, and I in turn felt connected to them.

Three months after my father passed away we had our new baby girl. Within weeks I could tell that she took after my wife, and not just in the way that she looked, but in her calm and observant presence. My older daughter shares a hyper energy with myself and my mother, while our younger daughter has a quiet reserved nature like my wife and her maternal grandfather.

It is one thing to understand that there are parts of us that are shaped by nature and parts that are shaped by nurture. It is another thing completely to have two small children and witness how powerfully nature wields it's brush.

When our little one was a couple of months old I was showing her off at the hair salon on the corner. After cooing over her for a few minutes my friend Lois eyed me fiercely and harumphed, "Mike, now you gotta go for your boy."

"Hell no. I'm finished. I can't handle the two I have." I shot back.

"Mike you gotta have a boy." she drawled as she went back to washing her clients hair.

As I left the salon I was struck by the thought that I must have a boy somewhere, probably a lot of boys and a bunch more girls to boot. I stood holding my baby with one hand while trying to contain my older daughter's manic energy with the other and I was dumbfounded by the reality of the situation. Some of them might be 18 years old I realized, and they probably want, even need, to know who I am.

[read more]

Alternatives to alternative families

So a few months ago I received an email from a woman who wanted my input about the many different types of known donor arrangements rather than anonymous for same-sex couples.  I was so eager to hear her views and wanted to share to many alternatives for alternative families, that take into consideration the best interests of the child, as well as respecting the wants of same-sex couples to procreate.  

There are many options for same-sex couples to have children without resorting to an anonymous donor - which I have and always will advocate against.  One is using a friend as a donor who will have an "uncle-like" relationship with the child.  While some families that choice this option do not tell their child that their "uncle" is really their father, I argue that eventually that child will find out that their "uncle" is their father and feel just as betrayed as a donor offspring that was never told, or told later in life.  

There is also co-parenting arrangement, where the child knows both their mother and their father, and both raise the child with that knowledge.  In an article from February 2009 in the Guardian, "My Future Family", Catherine Hall explains her unique relationship with her gay friend.

"What are you doing in Italy?"

"Trying to get pregnant."

"Ah, so he's your boyfriend?"

"No, he's my..."

And then I run out of words. It's true that we are trying to have a baby together, but he's not my boyfriend. I don't know what to call him. Our relationship is impossible to define. Last September, A and I moved from London to Milan. He's here on business. I'm here because I'm trying to conceive a child with him. People often assume that we're a couple, but we're not. He's a gay man and I'm a lesbian. We are, in one sense, simply friends, but at the same time we are something much more.

Despite not being a couple, we want to raise our children together. We plan to bring them up in a house that we will buy in London with three close friends. We want to create something shared. We're trying to build a family.

Our future family may not be built on romantic love, but it is based on a form of love that we believe is equally deep. We share the same tastes, friends and approach to life - but, more importantly, we have a shared set of ethics and values to pass on to our children. The outcome of our story may be something very different to what we hope for. The potential pitfalls are huge and the stakes are high. But despite all our doubts, our fears and our questions, our instincts are telling us that it's the right thing to do. And in this way we're no different to anyone else who decides to have a child. Everyone who does it has something in common. You take a leap of faith.

In the article Catherine also discusses that her friend and her are not abstaining from other relationships, but that any future partners will have to somehow be worked into their unique family.  She says she doesn't know if that by choosing this she is choosing to remain forever single, but she's come to terms with that and realizes that remaining a "family" is more important.

All of these options are kid-friendly alternatives to using a donor.  Honestly, they could also be used in traditional families, but I'm sure that's going to be a much bigger hurdle to jump.

Back from the Big Apple!

Hi all,  done with the semester and just arrived home from NYC this evening....had a fantastic trip!!!  It was five days action packed days to say the least!  I feel like I now need a vacation from my vacation!  lol.

So to sum up what I did in the city that never sleeps - EVERYTHING!!!  And 400 pictures later.....

DAY 1 (Saturday): We left Ohio at 6:30am and arrived at Laguardia at 8am.  We took a taxi to our hotel in midtown Manhattan near Central Park and walked like 8 MILES all around the city.  Yes, 8 MILES!!  I think I took about 300 pictures the first day, and used up my entire memory stick by day 2 and had to delete a lot!  We went to tons of stores (but didn't buy too much), and the New York Public Library, Grand Central, 30 Rock, Toys R Us (to ride the ferris wheel!), and Times Square.

Day 2 (Sunday): Finally got to sleep in!!!  We had the double decker sight-seeing bus for 48-hours, so we took a bus uptown (east side, west side, and Harlem) and then downtown to Wall Street, Chinatown, Soho, Greenwich Village, Ground Zero, Battery Park, and the Empire State Building.  We went to The Little Chapel that Stood and Ground Zero, and checked out Century 21.  We went to Ellen's Stardust Diner for dinner that night.

Day 3 (Monday): Woke up early and took the subway to Chinatown for some purse shopping....oh yeah, you know what I'm talking about!  It was so cool!!  We went all crammed into these vans to look at purses.  I got a really cute Coach.  It was definitely an experience. Later we went on Scott's Pizza Tour through Little Italy, Soho and Greenwich Village - walked a TON and got pizza at Lombardi's (first pizzaria in NYC, and my fav....super thin coal oven pizza with fresh tomatoes and a little fresh mozzarella -- mmmmm), Joe's (by the slice gas oven pizzaria that was good, but much greasier), and John's (yummy coal oven pizza).  That night did the night tour on the double decker bus through downtown, and over to Brooklyn.  It was soooooo cold!!!!  Thank god we snuck blankets from our hotel to keep us warm up on the open air top of the bus!

Day 4 (Tuesday): Woke up even earlier to catch the 8am bus to Battery Park to go to the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island.  Didn't get off at Lady Liberty, but got some really awesome pictures!  Ellis Island was great!  My sisters thought it was so stupid, so typical of them.  They also thought the library was stupid.  Anything educational sucks apparently....  So we got back from Ellis Island and got back on our double decker bus and went uptown to Central Park and Bloomingdales!  Then it was time for LION KING!!  OMG, I am still speechless.  It was THE MOST INCREDIBLE SHOW I HAVE EVER SEEN!!!!  I'm seriously still in awe.  If you ever go to NYC, you MUST go see this show.

Day 5 (Wednesday): Slept in on our last day.  Today was shopping day, but first we went to Rockefeller Center and did Top of the Rock.  Wow, you could see forever it seemed!  The city was amazing!  It was the first nice day of the entire trip!  No rain, and 80 degrees!!  Even got a bit rosy on my shoulders!  After the Rock we shopped until heading off to the airport.  

And now I'm home and I'm missing the city.  Oh well, I will just have to start planning my next trip......