My reaction to Lauren's essay

I omitted my own comments about Lauren's essay from the post last night because I felt that it was so beautifully written that I did not want to spoil it by plastering my own meanderings at the end.

For some background, Lauren had written this essay to be published by VARTA (the Victorian Assisted Reproductive Treatment Authority) and found out earlier this week that they would not publish it on their website. She still is unclear what the reason was behind not publishing it, but it's likely that it may simply have stated too much "fact" for their own ideological agenda....

Lauren's essay details the view that many donor offspring hold, whether or not they choose to voice it. The fact that by nature most of us are very sensitive, especially to the feelings of our parents, is key to why our voices are few and far between. We feel compelled to not say anything because we fear hurting their feelings with our words and our actions. We delay searching until it is often too late because we do not want them to think that we didn't love them enough.

As she points out so well, infertile couples are so compounded by their own sense of loss of not being able to have children the normal way, that donor conception is seen as a miracle cure and that the donor is simply a piece of genetic material, a sperm or a tiny egg that makes no consequential difference is the baby that will be in their arms nine months later. They forget that their loss is simply being transferred to another human being, a person that in most circumstances one would think would be the LAST person they would want to hurt...their own child. The parents, not acting maliciously, yet still causing the pain, have now created a child that will forever feel a similar sense of loss (not for the loss of children, but the loss of a biological parent). Unfortunately, the child's loss cannot be "cured" with a medical procedure.

I also think Lauren's story of meeting Ben is something that shows just how successful reunions can be. Donors who are fearful of how their families will react to the knowledge of them being donors or how they might react to offspring coming into their lives, it is in most cases unwarranted. Especially when dealing with the actual adult offspring and not the mothers and young children. We are not seeking money or a daddy. We are seeking answers and the sense that we belong and that we are complete. Relationships are something that can take years to cultivate, but do not go into possible reunion thinking that you would never want a relationship with one of your offspring, because you might miss out on something really great. In the same token, don't expect one to be initiated by your offspring, as we are all different and have different comfort levels, wants, and needs. Let the reunion process guide you both.

Lauren's story gives many offspring hope that they too may find their biological fathers and begin to find these answers and heal. It also gives us hope that not all donors are egomaniacs that only wanted beer money and couldn't bear to admit to anyone that they fathered donor conceived children when they were in college/grad school/residency/etc for fear that it might reflect poorly on their reputation.